Oh my goodness! We're pregnant! Which came as a huge surprise to me, and Andrew... I think. I waver between feeling so excited and humbled that the Lord would choose us to be parents and His instruments of love to another precious little child, and feeling overwhelmed and sad that we're "starting over" again, back to the sleepless nights, nursing frustrations, teething, etc, etc.
I'm particularly overwhelmed with the thought of the baby being another boy. If it is a son, oh how I know that we'll love him (the future Walker Cade Meade). We'll love him so much our hearts will feel like they're going to burst and it will be 3 Muskateers running around, a precious little posse of boys. How utterly precious and special that will be.
Oh, but my heart aches for a daughter. It aches so, so much. And in my twisted, warped mind, I feel like there's no way God would ever give me something that I want so much. That He truly wouldn't want me to be happy and to have dreams come true. I know that's such a lie, straight from the pit of hell; straight from Satan himself. God is good. God is love. God is perfect. God is wise. He is a happy God, who yearns for godly, holy, and HAPPY people. And how He loves to give us the desires of our hearts. But have you ever yearned, truly yearned, so hard for something that your heart hurts? That's how I feel for a daughter. I shared with my small group at lbs last week that having a daughter was becoming an idol in my life and I asked for prayer as I tried to root out this sin of idolatry from my heart. They were faithful to pray, God was faithful to help, and my heart was much better. Much more focused on the Lord and His sweet attributes. There was joy and peace for the last week or so.
But then my heart got all twisted and sinful and ugly again. Andrew went on a business trip, the boys have been challenging, Brody's crapped his pants more times than I can remember, Jasper passively aggressively picks at Brody and tattles on him by praying stuff like, "dear God, please help brody not to take bites out of my special ball." and stuff like that. Constant interruptions, constant spills, constant discipline, single parenting, injuries, physical drama, emotional drama, head aches, sleepless nights, etc, etc. Exhaustion, emotions, discouragement, and bitterness have started overtaking my heart, and for the last 24 hours, I've been completely, totally a wreck. Mad at God for surely giving us another son when He knows how much I want a daughter, mad at the boys for taking such constant work and self-sacrifice, mad at my husband for having hobbies and restaurant food, mad, mad, mad. Another word would be sin. Or self-pity. Or pride. Or selfishness. Take your pick from any list of ugly sins. Those things are crowding my heart, stealing my joy, tainting my relationships, ruining my days.
Jennifer Koh has been an amazing help this past week or two, and she reminded me today of the verse in Psalm 34 (the chapter we're memorizing together), "I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears."
I pray that I will seek the Lord during this ugly time in my life. I pray that He'll give us a daughter, although I surely know I don't deserve one. I pray that if it's a son (I don't deserve a son, either), that He'll fill my heart with joy at being a momma of precious little men. And, also, how amazing that the God of the universe answers me?!? That's truly incredible. Maybe that will fill my mind as I go to sleep tonight instead of my selfish wonderings about whether lil' peanut is a girl or boy.
